The Need To Be Heard

One of the things I learned fairly early in my client service career is that when someone is unhappy, sometimes all they need is a chance to vent. This was a revelation. I grew up in an environment where children were meant to be seen and not heard, so I never felt the gratification of being able to say my piece. If I was unhappy about the way I had been treated, I was supposed to suck it up.

"No one wants to hear you griping. Life's not fair. Keep it to yourself and get over it."

I believed it, as kids do. And I hated complainers, even myself when my internal chatter was about how my brother had it easier than me.When I went into therapy, I experienced the profound relief of telling my stories to someone who cared. More simply, I felt better when I got things off my chest and got some sympathy. Much to my surprise, I learned that this desire to be heard and acknowledged is a basic human need. None of my psychology or sociology or anthropology classes ever covered this. Or maybe I was absent that day.

My first boss was a genius at dealing with people. One of the many things he taught me as a young Account Coordinator was to listen to complaints, and reply with something like "I'm sorry that happened." or "That must have been hard." Don't interrupt and don't make excuses, just listen until they are done. Not everything needs to be solved. Sometimes an attentive listener is enough. This is one of the best pieces of advice I ever got, personally and professionally.

When I started listening in on Twitter, I was amazed at the banality of some of what was said. "Bananas for breakfast, need to get more at the market." Really, who cares? And why use up bandwidth to post something so trivial? All those haters on-line, complaining about the people who talk in the library or who don't start to fill out their check at the grocery store until the clerk is done with their order. Why all the vitriol?

Then it clicked -- the need to be heard. Who do you complain to about the state of the economy? There isn't one person responsible for the mess we're in, and there isn't much satisfaction in sending hate mail to Alan Greenspan. But posting a comment on Facebook and getting a thumbs up can be salve on the wound. I'm not alone, someone else gets it. I'm not in a world where I chat with my neighbors while I'm picking up my mail, and there just isn't much idle conversation in my day-to-day, but that idle conversation fills something in us. Social media gives us an outlet for those thoughts that press on us, or excite us, or scare us.

Now I get it. Social media is here to stay.